Well, still here, still doing the things. Just trying to break out and be more social. It’s challenging, I still don’t really have any kind of a social life outside of the internet. I did manage to “go out” once where I sat in the coffee shop a while around other people. There wasn’t an occasion to speak, so after a while I went home. It was nice to go out but I find the experience just as lonely as sitting at home.
Haven’t figured out how to generate conversation yet, to speak unprompted in situations without clear rules or expectations. I’m seeing a couple different professionals to try and improve here, maybe learn how to have connections with other people. I mean, I know it can happen, still think about my ex a lot, but it’s a happy memory of being close to somebody and loved. Hard to let go of that when there’s nobody else, nothing else but me and this apartment and the silence, and a sea of dangerous strangers. I’ve been trying to date but am clearly doing something wrong, have managed a total of two “dates” in three years, neither of which ever wanted to speak to me again, for reasons that were mysteriously not communicated to me. I feel like I’m disabled in a way that people cannot see but judge me for intensely and it’s deeply uncomfortable.